that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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