So drunk its hurt
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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