it's too hot outside to masturbate.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
