You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
