i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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