My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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