Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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