I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
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