Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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