I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
