I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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