i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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