This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Randomize
