this boner is exhausting
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
