The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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