when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
