I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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