By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
