I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
They have beer where we have blood.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
