i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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