ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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