I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
