WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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