I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
he told me I talked like a deaf person
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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