Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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