Do you still have your period?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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