I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize