i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
