I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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