man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize