That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
