I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
