I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
BRING THE BAGELS
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
