my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
