Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
