Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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