Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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