I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
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