i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
