why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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