I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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