At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
