Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
this hospital has no fireball
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
