Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize