I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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