god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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