My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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