His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
