the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Randomize
