this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
