Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
