We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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