i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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