Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
