Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
