Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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