At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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