running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Randomize
