He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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