I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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