First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
