so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
