Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
