Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
