I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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