I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
