I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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